What Not to Say in Condolence Messages

While the intention behind condolence messages is always to comfort and support, certain phrases can inadvertently cause more pain or discomfort to those who are grieving. This guide will help you understand what to avoid and provide better alternatives.

Common Phrases to Avoid

"Everything happens for a reason"

**Why to avoid:** This phrase can minimize the person's pain and suggest that their loved one's death was somehow meant to be or justified.

**Better alternative:** "I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you."

"They're in a better place"

**Why to avoid:** This assumes religious beliefs and can feel dismissive of the person's desire to have their loved one still with them.

**Better alternative:** "I know how much [Name] meant to you."

"I know how you feel"

**Why to avoid:** Even if you've experienced loss, everyone's grief is unique and personal.

**Better alternative:** "I can't imagine what you're going through, but I'm here for you."

"At least they're not suffering anymore"

**Why to avoid:** While potentially true, this phrase can feel like you're suggesting they should be grateful or relieved.

**Better alternative:** "I'm thinking of you and [Name] during this difficult time."

"It was their time to go"

**Why to avoid:** This can sound fatalistic and doesn't acknowledge the unfairness or tragedy of the loss.

**Better alternative:** "This loss is so hard to understand."

"God needed another angel"

**Why to avoid:** This assumes religious beliefs and can anger those who feel their loved one was taken unfairly.

**Better alternative:** "I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers."

"You're so strong"

**Why to avoid:** This can pressure the person to maintain a facade of strength when they need to grieve.

**Better alternative:** "It's okay to not be okay right now."

"Life goes on"

**Why to avoid:** This can feel dismissive and rush the grieving process.

**Better alternative:** "Take all the time you need to grieve."

Timing-Related Mistakes

Don't Rush the Grieving Process

Avoid phrases like:

Don't Set Expectations

Avoid:

Personal Boundary Violations

Don't Make Assumptions

Avoid:

Don't Share Your Own Stories

Unless specifically asked, avoid:

Don't Offer Unsolicited Advice

Avoid:

What Makes These Phrases Problematic

They Minimize Pain

Many of these phrases attempt to find a silver lining or positive aspect to loss, which can make the grieving person feel like their pain isn't valid or understood.

They Assume Beliefs

Religious or spiritual phrases can be comforting to some but alienating to others, especially when you don't know the person's beliefs.

They Rush Healing

Grief doesn't follow a timeline, and suggesting that someone should feel better or move on can be harmful.

They Shift Focus

Some phrases inadvertently make the conversation about your beliefs, experiences, or discomfort rather than supporting the grieving person.

Better Approaches

Focus on the Person

Instead of trying to explain or rationalize the loss, focus on the person who is grieving:

Acknowledge the Loss

Recognize the reality and difficulty of their situation:

Offer Specific Support

Instead of vague offers, be specific:

Share Positive Memories

If appropriate and you knew the deceased:

When You Don't Know What to Say

Sometimes the best approach is honesty:

The Power of Presence

Remember that sometimes the most meaningful support comes not from words but from:

Conclusion

The goal of a condolence message is to provide comfort and support, not to explain, rationalize, or minimize the loss. When in doubt, keep your message simple, heartfelt, and focused on the person who is grieving.

Remember that your presence and care matter more than having perfect words. Sometimes the most powerful message is simply: "I'm here for you."